11112023

Recovering is more difficult than I thought it would be.... the pain is getting better but I'm still very physically weak. It's extremely disturbing to me. I can feel I'm not at normal lung power - I can't pull my usual act of talking and talking without taking a breath, I can't be loud and project, I cant run and skip and dance around my friends. They have to carry my new rolling backpack up stairs for me. It feels like I lost a big chunk of myself, and I'm really hoping it comes back soon. I'm usually a very durable person who heals very quickly, so I'm optimistic. But still weirded out for the time being.

Its been a little over a weak since I deflated and it both feels like I should be over it already and like I'm still in the middle of an emergency. I just don't have the time to do things like take a break for very long. I spent 3 days in the hospital, 3 days at home, and then immediately had to go back to school. My research advisor keeps telling me I should be taking it easy, but it's hard to sit back and relax while deadlines pile up and midterms are constantly breathing down your neck. And I'm so *paranoid* now...I panic every time I feel a pain in my back or chest or side which is quite often because I'm still healing from getting stabbed in the lungs with a giant tube. I keep feeling as though everything will suddenly collapse again and I'll be stuck back in the hospital and stabbed with more tubes and pumped with more drugs so I don't start freaking out about being filled with tubes. IDK. I've always had such a strong trust in my health that it feels like now anything's possible. Maybe the universe will send me brain cancer next!

I guess there's not much else I can do other than just suck it up and wait to recover more. I appreciate that there's been plenty of people in my life who have shown concern over the past few days, and want to make sure I'm doing okay. I know that even in the worst case scenarios, I won't have to do it by myself. I'll rest my body as much as possible and try to focus on my work where I can, and hopefully I'll be back up to full speed soon enough. And if not, I'll find a way to adapt. I refuse to stay down for very long.

Also, check out my sick xray!

11062023

It's been a while since I've made any updates....I keep being unable to find a way to fix my website (all the elements get muddled up upon zooming in or out) and it makes me a little irrationally angry whenever I look at it. But I have a little extra time on my hands right now, and thought I should make an update. The most pressing one on my mind right now is the reason I have some free time to begin with....my lung collapsed T_T I just got back from the hospital yesterday after I had to spend about three days in there while they reinflated me like a balloon. I didn't even do anything to make it collapse, literally just sat in a weird position in a car on the way to a punk show with some friends. According to the doctors, people built like tim burton characters tend to experience these at random. so thats fun. its also suspected that i had one or two copllapsed lungs before this, but they were less intense and i just healed them on my own with my epic powers of durability. so. a little traumatized by that. but at least now i get to spend some time at home!

After I got back from my internship this summer, I've been pretty busy. My remaining summer was pretty chill and spent with friends, but I'm doing soooo much for school right now. I'm working on a thesis (which i should talk about on the science blog), trying to get through a few statmech classes, working my industry job, and still applying for phds. I was also about to head to DC for this cool work conference next week, but thanks to my awesome exploding lungs I'm not allowed on planes for a few weeks. I also feel a little down because I realized my gpa sucks pretty bad for someone trying to get into graduate school, but I might as well try and see how it goes. I think I should have a full time job with the industry company once I graduate, so I can always take up that offer for a few years before I try again.

I've also been trying to stay socially active, but it's a little difficult. I find that although I'm an extrovert, I'm a pretty judgy person, so although I like to go out and meet a lot of people, I'm usually not interested in talking to them ever again lol. And I have my own bucketloads of issues with humans, so I never really let that much of Myself show around the people that I do like being around. I'm kind of trying to change that though, and might even focus on that in 2024. Right now I'm trying to figure out what to do with a crush that I have. They're really cool, and also obsessed with mcr, and funny and sweet and I like spending time with them. But at the same time....I'm graduating in a year so idk how hard I should really be going into this. If they even like me back. bghghghhgh

Whatever the case, I'll try to update this a little more often, since it's not as fun to just make broad sweeping statements about my life in general. Please let me know if you know how to position elements like a normal website and I'll seethe less whenever I'm on here. And wish my lungs luck on healing!